A letter to my brothers

As I drove home from work the other night a song came on that I had not heard in a few years. I could barely concentrate on the road as the tears streamed down my face. It wasn’t that the radio stations had stopped playing the song it’s that every time the song came on I would change the channel. The song held too many memories and it took me two and half years to be able to listen to it again.

In 2005 a song was released by Tim McGraw, Live like you were dying, I found the song “inspirational” and made it my ring tone on my cell phone. Every time someone would call I would be reminded of the lyrics… if tomorrow were your last day and you had eternity to think of what you would do with it… what would you do with it? Then my phone rang with a call I never expected… Nicole, Derek’s been in an accident. His neck is broken. My phone rang so many times over those following weeks. Updates were needed, long distance reassurances, teary-eyed phone calls from family and friends. The same news that had broken my heart the day my brother broke his neck was told countless times. I would sleep with my phone by my head. Not that I slept much those first few months. But my phone would be next to my cheek as I laid my head on my pillow and prayed to a God I had never really been on speaking terms with. I prayed with all my heart that my phone wouldn’t ring. With botched surgeries, drug induced comas, lungs that wouldn’t inflate on their own, kidneys shutting down and deteriorating skin there was always the possibility of that final phone call. It wasn’t long into the ordeal when I began to wake up sweating in the middle of the night because I had been dreaming that the song was playing and I would think my phone had been ringing. It was clear that the song had to go. How could I “live like I was dying” when there was a very real possibility my brother was.

My brother, my bothers… There will probably never be three people that have had an impact my life like those three. There were many times I wanted nothing more than to be any only child, but in truth some of my fondest memories are found with them. There is no one on this earth I would have rather stayed up late watching TV on a pull out couch with, playing spies in the woods and sleeping on their floor when I had a nightmare. Having them near kept me sane when the life surrounding us was crazy. For better or worse these were the people who I knew would always be there for me and now one of them was perilously close to leaving me…

Just because I stopped listening to the song doesn’t me I stopped thinking about it. I often thought… what would I do today if I knew tomorrow my life would change beyond comprehending… I would want nothing more than a crisp fall day in Maine. Wrapped in a warm sweater, sipping mulled apple cider and being surrounded my family and friends. I often hoped that Derek would have done exactly what he had been doing, enjoying a beautiful day at the beach with his friends. The truth is, none of us know… very few people get a warning that their life is about to change for good or bad.

We all changed that day. No one in my family will ever be the same. I can honestly say that from that day forward I have never been more proud to call these five people my family and those three young men my brothers. Mom held vigil, Dad held down the fort, Dustin and Shane kept everyone grounded and Derek fought for his life. For the first time in my life we were an untied front and felt like the family I always new we could be. As someone close to my family always says, we fight hard but love harder.

Love, Nicole

New Blog

Hey Everyone,

Please look here from now on for updates from Derek. We will also be posting to this blog while we are in China. Feel free to leave comments... I know how much Derek loves hearing from you!

The O'Brien Family